To My Little Boy on His First Birthday

Dear Andrew,

One year has passed since you came into this world.

It happened so fast. One minute I was a mother of three. I blinked my eyes and became a mother of four. I never thought four was in my cards but God’s ways are always better than my own. You were a tiny, precious little thing when you were born. I wanted to hug you and kiss you and snuggle you forever. I knew you were meant to be mine and I was meant to be a mother of four.

But, God had a different plan for your life, a plan I could not have possibly imagined.

You see, I imagined, as a growing little boy, you would be swimming in mima and dooda’s pool all summer, riding your bike through the neighborhood with your big brother, jumping on the trampoline with your sisters, playing baseball or golf in the backyard with your daddy, or snuggling in the bed watching PawPatrol with your mommy. Such temporary, earthly things, I know. It’s all my human brain is capable of.

God, in his infinite wisdom, had a heavenly, eternal plan for your life, a much greater plan than all of the earthly things I could imagine. A purpose so much bigger! Instead of giving you to me, the little boy I desired so much, God allowed your little life to inspire and impact many. One year after your birth, God is still using your story to show people there is hope and peace in our suffering, and I believe he will continue to use your story for a very long time.

The truth is that God changed my own life by taking yours from me.

God opened my eyes to the heartache and pain experienced by others, to the lack of hope and peace in this world, to the women who want to be mothers, to the orphans who have no mothers, to the widows who have lost their great loves, to the weary and broken who have not found their home in Jesus Christ … to all of the things that really matter in this world, the things God called His children to care about.

You, Andrew James Chase, a 1 pound precious little baby boy who was only with me for 4 days, have impacted eternity for so many, including myself.

So, on your first birthday, your mama wants you to know …

  • I miss you dearly and wish I could hold you in my arms once more.
  • I wish I was stressed out, running around like a chicken with my head cut off, planning a huge birthday party to celebrate one year with you on this earth.
  • I wish you could eat the birthday cake your big sister is making for you and blow out the #1 candle on top.
  • I wish I didn’t have to set off a floating lantern in honor of the first birthday of my son who is no longer with me and who will never return to his earthly home.
  • I wish I could sing you Happy Birthday and tell you how much I love you.
  • I wish I could see the smiles on your face and hear the giggles of excitement.
  • I wish with all my heart you were here with me for just one more moment so I could tell you these things in person and not have to write it in to a letter that you will never actually read.

But, as an refined woman in Jesus Christ, I want you to know …

  • I celebrate your life and the impact it has had and will have on others.
  • I praise God for your story and continue to find ways to tell it to others.
  • I strive to demonstrate hope in the sadness and pain because so many can’t see the light.
  • I have peace knowing you are in a better place, and I continue to trust the Lord for the peace only He can give.
  • I am full of hope because I will see you again but it will not be temporary this time. It will be for all of eternity!

I love you my little boy with all my heart, and I pray you are having an amazing birthday in Heaven! We are celebrating with you here on earth, awaiting the day to join you there.

Your mommy